Taking Advice
by somewhat legal
Summary: Harry gets some unexpected advice that he takes a bit too literally. Hermione gives Ron advice on their less than stellar love life. Comedy and romance ensue. Harry/Draco Ron/Hermione
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** Welcome to my first fanfic! Obviously I do not own any of these characters or anything of that sort. This is just a silly little story that will be in two or three parts, I don't know. Review even if you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is welcome, just don't be an asshole about it. Alright! On with the story!

p.s The character Thom was just made up randomly because I was too lazy to think of anyone who already existed.

xxx

Saturday morning, Harry Potter awoke to an empty dormitory. Sunlight flooded in through a slightly cracked window. Judging by the warm brightness that greeted him, Harry guessed that it was nearly noon, or perhaps a bit after. He would have preferred to wake up earlier, so he could take an early morning walk, but there was something refreshing about sleeping later than everyone else. This way, he awoke to blissful silence, instead of the usual chatter of the other Gryffindor boys.

Rubbing his eyes, Harry sat up and grabbed his glasses. He wasted no time throwing on a sweater and pants so that he could wonder down to the common room. He suspected the common room to be empty also, and so he was surprised to find Hermione sitting by the unlit fireplace. The girl was hunched over in the chair, her head in her hands and her long, bushy hair covering her face. However, rather than sad, it was clear that Hermione was angry over something and was currently engrossed in deep contemplative thought.

Harry strutted across the room and sat down in the chair beside Hermione. Turning to his friend, he put his hand on her back and asked, "What's wrong?"

Hermione let out an exasperated sigh. "Ron."

"How? I always see you too being all cuddly and happy and what not."

"As a boyfriend, Ron is perfectly lovely. As a lover, Ron is less than adequate. No, that is an understatement. Ron is absolute failure in bed."

"How so?"

"Well, sex is supposed to be like 'Oh! Oh yes! Don't stop! Don't stop!' but with Ron it's more like, 'Oh… oh… we're done? I didn't even know we began.'"

"Is he… you know…" Harry made a gesture with his fingers, demonstrating a small length.

"Well, I would say he is massive, but he isn't unfortunate. I don't know what to do. I love Ron, but if he can't satisfy me, then it's hopeless."

"Alright, honey, listen up." Harry's voice suddenly turned not dissimilar to a drag queen. "You need to buy _Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Erotic Pleasure._ Have Ron read it, learn it, love it. Until he learns, imagine someone else while he is fucking you. Doesn't matter who, just someone gorgeous, and imagine this man is really fantastic at fucking. If that doesn't work, then, darling, you're screwed."

Hermione nodded.

"And another thing," Harry added. "I'm sure you're no sexual dynamo, so don't be such a bitch about it. Don't just expect him to be all 'I'm gonna fuck you so hard that you'll scream,' while you lie there like a dead goat. There's this thing; it's called foreplay. Okay?"

"Well, I never!" Hermione looked quite taken aback with Harry's sudden outburst.

"I'm just being honest. You can be quite frigid sometimes."

"Thank you Harry, you're such a great friend." Hermione said, her words dripping with distain.

"Anytime!" Harry chirped back with a smile on his face. "Well, I'm off!" Harry stood up from his chair.

"Where to?"

"Now that would be none of your business," Harry called back as he skipped out of the Gryffindor common room.

xxx

On any other day, Harry would have been content to wonder around the castle or take a stroll across the grounds. This Saturday, however, was particularly special. It wasn't a birthday or a holiday or anything like that. No, this day was significant only to Harry and one other. Today was Harry's sixth month anniversary with his darling boyfriend Thom. Yes, Harry Potter, champion of the wizarding world, was gay. He wasn't afraid to come out of the close, quite the contrary in fact. Harry simply believed that being gay wasn't something of great importance and he didn't feel the need to tell people who didn't need to know.

Harry puttered over toward the west side of the castle where Ravenclaw tower was located. He assumed Thom would be somewhere around there, but wasn't quite sure. He wasn't even sure Thom would remember that today was their sixth month anniversary. Generally, most people don't remember things like that, but Harry had a knack for remembering dates.

Up ahead, Harry saw the back of a rather tall chestnut haired boy, lounging against a wall, engaged in conversation with two other boys whom Harry was not familiar with. "Thom!" Harry called, running up to his boyfriend.

"Hello Harry," Thom responded. "Hey guys," he said, turning to his friends, "can you give us a minute?" They nodded walked away.

Harry gave Thom a light peck on the lips. "Do you know what today is?" he asked coyly.

"No, I don't." Thom responded flatly.

"You don't?"

"No, Harry, I don't. We need to talk."

"It's our sixth month anniversary!"

"Harry."

"We should have a picnic or something. Maybe not a picnic, I don't know. I want to do something though."

"Harry!"

"What?"

"I want to break up."

Harry was silent for a moment, taking in what he had just heard. "What?"

"I want to break up."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I'm just not feeling this anymore. It's just not working, I guess."

"But… but… we can fix it! We can!"

"Sorry Harry, we're done." And with that, Thom walked away, leaving Harry alone in the corridor. Harry collapsed to the floor in tears. He was fully prepared to launch himself in a weeks-long period of angst and moodiness. _"Where are Umbridge's bloody pens when you need them for god's sake!" _Harry thought to himself. He banged his head repeatedly against the wall in a misguided attempt to knock the pain out of his mind. Currently, he was wonderfully succeeding at filling every teenage emo-kid stereotype found on _Urban Dictionary._

"Harry Potter," Draco Malfoy snarled from a far, "what the fuck are you doing?" Harry looked up and watched as the pale-skinned blonde boy approached him. "Well?"

Harry was very conflicted. On one hand, he thoroughly detested the boy standing before him, and would prefer not to have a personal conversation with him. On the other hand, he was the only soul present at the moment, and Harry was in a weakened emotional state. Without thought, unintelligible words began spilling out of Harry's mouth. He recounted the events that had just transpired, but the words came out so fast and were so muffled by his tears that Draco had no idea what he was saying.

After a minute or so of Harry's rambling, Draco cut him off. "Save it Patti LuPone. This isn't Argentina and no one is crying for you, okay? I don't know who dumped you, and frankly, I don't really care, but you're Harry fucking Potter. You're the golden boy or the chosen one or whatever crap everyone comes up with, aren't you? I'm sure you will have no problem finding a date." Draco looked down at the wide-eyed boy staring back up at him. His face was spotted with salty tears and it was almost as endearing as it was pathetic. Getting down on his knees, Draco wiped a tear from Harry's face. "Alright are you done?"

Harry nodded.

"Alright then grow up, shut up, and move on. No more crying, okay?" Draco got up and walked away.

Dumbfounded, Harry watched as the Slytherin walked away. He couldn't help but ask himself, "What the hell just happened?"

While Harry began to contemplate Draco's short speech, Draco shouted back, "And Potter, one more thing. This conversation, it never happened."

xxx

A/N Part two coming soon! **Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Thank you for making it to the second part of this lovely story. Hope you like. Voici la part seconde de mon petit histoire!

Standing on the far side of the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, Hermione watch Ron reclining on his bed, arms behind his head, eyes closed, with a stupid grin on his round face. This was a look she knew all too well. In his tiny mind, there was only one reason that Hermione would venture here, but oh how wrong he was. Taking a long, drawn out sigh, Hermione made her way across the room and loomed over her boyfriend. The moment Ron's eyes opened, Hermione threw her newly acquired copy of _Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Erotic Pleasure_ into Ron's lap.

He picked up the book, looked it over for a minute, and then said, "What the bloody hell is this?"

"It's a sex guide, Ronald." Hermione groaned.

"Why are you giving me a sex guide? Our sex is great!"

"No, Ron, it isn't."

"Well you sure seem to enjoy it enough!"

"Ron, have you ever heard of faking an orgasm?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, let's just say I am the supreme master of the art of orgasm faking."

"Wait. So all of those times you told me that no one has ever made you feel so good before, you were lying?"

"Ronald, a rock could pleasure me more than you do. Not even a big rock. A really small tiny pebble, like the kind you barely notice and then you step on it when you aren't wearing and shoes and it hurts."

"Wow Hermione. That's cold. I thought you loved me. Bitch."

"I do love you! That's why I am taking the time to improve our sex life, otherwise I'd just leave you high and dry to not-pleasure some other poor soul."

"Thanks Hermione, you really know how to lay it on lightly."  
"No problem. Now let's go get some breakfast. A balanced breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

Hermione and Ron made their way out toward the great hall. Looking upon them, one would think they were an old married couple, rather than teenagers dating. Hermione looked utterly exasperated while Ron looked grumpy. Every few moments, they'd turn to each other only turn away again. Passing a gaggle of gossiping Hufflepuff girls, they exchanged no words for the entirety of the walk.

Ron and Hermione sat down beside Ginny, Neville and a few of their other friends. It wasn't until they were well into eating that Hermione noticed something, or rather, someone was missing. "Does anyone know where Harry is?" she asked between mouthfuls.

"No idea," Ginny answered. "Have you seen him, Neville?"

"No, I haven't." Neville said quickly.

"I don't remember seeing him this morning in the common room," added Ron.

Just has Ron finished speaking, Harry burst into the Great Hall. A grand smile was spread across his face and he appeared to be skipping toward them, or maybe dancing. Every gesture Harry made seemed to be greatly exaggerated.

"Is he high?" Ron whispered as Harry spun around in a circle.

Reaching his hands high in the air, Harry belted out, "Good morning Hogwarts School

Everyday's filled with ghosts and ghouls

Every night is a fantasy

That doesn't rhyme but that's okay with me

And I promise Hogwarts School

That some day when I take to the floor

The wizarding world's going to wake up and see

Hogwarts and me."

"Um… Harry…. What are you doing?" Hermione asked cautiously, not entirely sure Harry's mental state was stable.

"It's Hairspray!" he said chipperly.

"…Hairspray?" Ron asked.

"Yep! I'm just a pleasantly plump teenage girl who just wants to dance and is fighting for civil rights! And to top it all off, I get the guy in the end!" Harry's words came out in one long breath.

"Harry, listen to me," Hermione said slowly. "This is not 1960, nor is it America. You are not particularly pleasant or plump."

"Yeah," Ron added, "And as far as I know, you aren't a girl, mate."

"Way to crush my dreams!" Harry yelled, a defeated look on his face.

"Since when was it your dream to be a pleasantly plum teenage girl who just wants to dance and is fighting for civil rights?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know." Harry said.

"Harry, what exactly sparked this sudden personality reformation? Where is the brooding, angst-ridden overly dramatic Harry we have come to know and love?"

"It's nothing, just something Malfoy said." Harry said quickly and quietly.

"Malfoy is a fucking wanker. What the hell did he say to you this time?" Ron blurted out, as if he was ready to pounce.

"It's nothing, it's nothing, okay? Just forget about it." Harry muttered, a slight blush appearing in his cheeks.

Hermione put her hand on Harry's shoulder, "Harry…" she said.

"It's nothing, okay!" Harry swatted Hermione's hand off of him. "I'm going to take a walk, I'll see you guys later," Harry grunted, storming out of the great hall.

"Ah! There's good old mood-swinging Harry!" Ron chirped.

"Sorry Ron, I have to go." Hermione called, suddenly rushing off.

"Why does everyone always leave me?" Ron sighed, sitting down to eat his porridge.

xxx

Hermione Granger knew Harry Potter better than anyone else. Whether it was because he was her best friend, or perhaps because she was quite the budding stalker, she wasn't sure, but nevertheless she could deduct his every thought and emotion from even the slightest facial expression. Hermione was certain how her raven-haired friend felt when his face turned to the color of a tomato. Knowing Harry would do nothing about it, Hermione decided to take it upon herself to bring two boys together.

Hermione spent a good hour searching the castle for that certain blonde Slytherin, but it seemed as if he was nowhere to be found. He wasn't in the library (which should have been obvious because no one but Hermione ever went to the library) or in the dungeons. Draco wasn't in the courtyard or in the great hall or anywhere else that she looked.

As she wondered, she thought about what events could have transpired between Harry and Draco that would cause him to be attracted to his most bitter rival. Honestly, after the all of the terrible things that boy had said to them; after every vile thing he'd done to them, Hermione could not see how anyone could feel anything but hatred toward that little shit. How could anyone like him at all? He was selfish, vapid, shallow, conniving, manipulative, and such a fucking douche bag that she couldn't comprehend how Narcissa Malfoy didn't just abort that abomination when she had the chance.

It was only when she was boiling with anger and distain did Hermione noticed the blonde-haired demon some meters away in a corner. As she moved closer, she noticed he was pinning another smaller Ravenclaw boy against the wall. At first, she was Draco was about to do something horrible to this boy, until she noticed that the boy's hand was dancing on the edge of Draco's pants, and their faces were pressed together.

After watching these two boys go at it like two rabbits in the springtime for some time, Hermione grabbed Draco by the hair, pulling the boys apart.

"You," she yelled, pointing at the Ravenclaw, "get out of here." He stared at her with wide-eyes, absolutely terrified. "Now!" she screamed, prompting him to quite literally run away. Draco also got up to leave but she grabbed onto the back of his cloak, holding him firmly in place.

"What the fuck is this?" he asked, completely astonished. "Get your hands off of me you filthy mudblood. "

"Don't," Hermione yelled, waging her finger between Draco's eyes, "call me that. I have something to say to you, and you are going to sit here and listen silently until I'm finished. Understand?"

"Ye…"

"SILENT." Hermione screamed. "Now, I have no idea what you said to Harry, or what you did, but for some reason that I can't begin to understand, he is completely smitten with you. Now, clearly, after seeing that display of teenage-male-hormone-induced affection, you do not feel the same way, so I want you to set Harry straight. I will not watch as some dickfaced douche bag like you breaks his heart. Okay?"

Draco nodded.

"Good." Hermione finished, affirmatively.

**E/N**: How did you like part two? Alright so I sort of lied, this is going to be three parts, so wait just a little bit longer for the ending. Review if you want to make me outrageously happy!


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